Teenagers are the easiest and the hardest to inform of your divorce. Reactions can vary from: “it’s about time” to “you can’t divorce,” and everything in between. If the marriage has been highly conflictual between you and your partner, it may be a relief for your teen. If on the other hand, home life has been relatively stable with little apparent conflict for your teen, they may be stunned and then concerned about what that means for him or her. Teens are more likely to take sides with one parent or the other, finding it hard to stay in the middle ground between parents.
You and your partner are divorcing. No matter how tough the decision to divorce telling the children is often the most difficult part. Children ages six to eleven are especially difficult to communicate with about divorce. They understand more than toddlers. They can think and talk about their feelings with a somewhat less ego-centered view of themselves than younger children. However, divorce is a concept that children at this age continue to have a hard time fully grasping. Towards the end of this age, range children can assign blame and often see things in a black and white framework. This it is helpful for children to consider that the family is restructuring itself. It will be changing how the family looks and operates.
Divorce is painful. Telling your children is downright difficult. Here are some basics to consider. First and foremost, let your child know he or she will be safe and cared for especially in these earliest formative years. Children younger than four have few if any memories but after that age they do.
First, you might be asking yourself, “why would I want premarital counseling?” My partner and I have a great relationship. I mean we are planning on getting married. Why would we do that if our relationship is already wonderful?”
People marry for many reasons but having a great relationship is not always one of those reasons. Premarital counseling prepares you for marriage. It inoculates your relationship from being worn down by problems and distress through identify the strengths and growing edges of your relationship. Identifying potential problem areas earlier can prevent you from the devastation of divorce. The average national divorce rate in the united states is 48%. Divorce is devasting for individuals and families. It takes a toll on your self-esteem, your children, your career, and your wallet. In many cases, couples can grow through these difficult areas and develop an even better relationship with each other. Before you plan that expensive wedding or honeymoon invest in your relationship first.
Marsha Ferrick, PhD, BCC
“It started with a war between a few
Converted into a war
But who suffered?
The one who was innocent”
Have you ever lived in a war zone? How about a city that has constant air raids and bombs dropping from the air? Most of us have been blessed enough to not have lived in these types of circumstances but some of us have lived in homes where conflict is the norm.
Are you a parent that has a high conflict divorce? Are you concerned about the impact on your children? Good, you need to be. Your children are trapped in a minefield between enemy lines. Every step in any direction is a risk. The wrong word, smile, or acknowledgement to one parent could bring disappointment, sadness, or even wrath from the other parent. It is a dilemma most of us as adults do not want to be in, yet this is the case for your children.
My Horses, My Teachers
The benefits of Equine Assisted Therapy seem obvious, fresh air, open spaces, and horses. Certainly, those are wonderful benefits, but the significant benefits of equine-assisted therapy are subtle to explain.
In the midst of a monsoon rain, I found my way to the barn by the occasional bolt of lightning as I traversed the running torrents of water en-route to feed the horses. I was thankful in that moment for the light created by those bolts of distant lightning as it assist me through the sheer wall of water cascading from the skies. A welcome and awe inspiring sight in the Arizona desert that I now call home.
This moment sparked some reflection on how some of us are meant to be stars, others of us are meant to be lightning.
Lightning is energy it’s brightness shines to create light for others. Lightning brightens a grey world and shows the way when all is dark. To shine like lightning is not to be the star but for us to lend energy so others may find their brightness and shine like the stars they are meant to be.
Where is your energy brightening the world? Whose path are you lighting? Whose path might be lost without you?
The world may never be powered by the energy from lightning but your energy just might make a difference to someone.
Don’t hide! Somewhere, someone needs your energy and light!
Fun Fact: An average bolt of lightning, striking from cloud to ground, contains roughly one billion (1,000,000,000) joules of energy. This is no small amount, enough topower a 60-watt lightbulb for six months plus a forgotten open door refrigerator for a day.
Life Coaching is chock full of benefits. Coaching can give you a fresh perspective on personal and professional challenges, improved decision-making skills, greater intrapersonal and interpersonal relationship effectiveness, and increased self-confidence. If you undergo coaching you may find you are appreciably more productive, satisfied with life and work, and attain relevant goals more quickly.
How can I make those claims? Beyond my professional coaching experience where I have witnessed amazing change often and frequently, the International Coaching Federation (ICF) Global Coaching Client Study commissioned PricewaterhouseCoopers to do an independent study. The study found that professional coaching maximized client potential, and thus opened gateways to increased productivity. The ICF study found that work performance improved by 70%, business management improved by 61%, time management improved by 57%, and team effectiveness improved by 51%.
The ICF study also found that by improving employee self-confidence they were more able to meet critical challenges in meeting the demands of their organization. Coaching improved self-confidence 80%, improved relationships 73%, communication skills 72%, and life/work balance by 67%.
The ICF study also found that coaching taught clarity and forward action with increased commitment to measurable outcomes with 86% of the companies saying they made at least their investment back with global survey of coaching clients by Price Waterhouse Coopers and the Association Resource Center concluded that the mean ROI for companies investing in coaching was 7 times the initial investment, with over a quarter reporting an ROI of 10 to 49 times. The ICF study found that the companies and individuals who hired a coach were 99% satisfied with their coaching experience, and 96% reporting they would repeat the process.
Given all this data it sounds like coaching could benefit you, right? However, the best way to find out if coaching is effective for you is to have a coaching experience. If you are interested in coaching, call a coach, ask for a coaching experience, and see if coaching might benefit you.
Remember that coaching is not a magic wand. You need to show up for appointments, and engage in the process you develop with your coach. Coaching is a participant sport, and you are the most vital team member.
First learn to see yourself, then learn to see others, last help them to see themselves.
Humans are amazing.
Yet we can be absurdly unaware of ourselves. There are times when other’s can see us more clearly than we can see our own behavior.
In a profession such as mine we spend a great deal of time getting clear about ourselves, our history, and our reactions to the world around us. We develop skills to effectively manage and cope in the world with kind choice, and loving deliberation. We do this so that we can learn to see others clearly, and then help them to see themselves more accurately.
This is no easy task for us or them. It is an ongoing work of self-discovery, unfolding the layers, and serving so others can more effectively help themselves and others.
It is for this reason that we take this humbling journey so that we can with love and compassion assist others to be more loving and compassionate with themselves, and others. In this way we pass goodness and compassion from person to person into the world and we offer a kinder more loving place to be.
Lack of boundaries invites lack of respect.
It’s her fault, not mine. It’s his fault, not mine. She made me do it. He makes me angry. The language of victims, not owners of their lives. Abdicating the responsibility of our choices is disempowering, and as adults we are ultimately responsible for our feelings, choices, and responses.
In my life, the animal world has served as a wonderful teacher, and metaphor for learning lessons. Here is one I learned from a couple of my little friends.
Gypsy is a Jenny, yes, a little donkey. A miniature to be exact. She hangs out with Mr. Q another mini. He brays too much. He pushes her around at times, until she has had enough of that then she sets a limit, usually a sound kick to his head with both hind feet. Ouch! Really, you’d think he would learn.
When she sets a limit there is no question that enough is enough. Mr. Q being the smart ass, he is respects her limits. One intelligent dude if a bit hard-headed.
Are you setting limits? Good limits? Are you holding those limits? If not remember Gypsy, she is always good at giving us reminders! Setting good limits early on is best. It keeps you from having to be shall we say as forceful as Gypsy!
Or are you like Mr. Q? A bit pushy? Do you get surprised when someone sets a hard limit? Do you respect the limit? Is there a way you might be more aware of your impact on others and soften your approach? A more collaborative approach might be more useful.