RELATING IN RELATIONSHIPS

Identifying my style of relating with others
People often develop self-protective styles of relating to others. Our shift in world view commonly can be seen in three differing patterns. Using the checklists below determine if any or several of these styles relate to you. Be aware that you may use different styles of relating in different context, for example, you may be a toughie at work and a partier at home. 
 

The Good Two Shoes Characteristics
	High priority on helping others
	Main goal is to keep the peace and avoid conflict with others
	Feel a lot of contempt for myself but try not to let others know about it
	Secretly struggle with sexual fantasies
	Feel enormous guilt about my fantasies but cannot stop
	I have little or know interest in sex
	My mind goes elsewhere during sex
	Have trouble standing up to aggressive people or evildoers
	Feel guilty if I am angry with someone
	If I feel hurt, I tell myself that I am overreacting or push myself to forgive. It feels selfish to dwell on hurt
	I rarely lose my temper
	I am energetic worker
	I am more passive than assertive or aggressive
	I think people find me pleasant
	I feel lonely
	I like to be in control, especially of myself
	I do not like to impose on other people
	I like my environment to be organized, but I rarely feel I have the chaos in order
	I have trouble protecting my spouse or children from harm
	I am not good at delegating tasks to others especially adults
	I tend to turn compliments aside with comments like "it was nothing," giving others credit, or by pointing out the flaws in what I have done
	Before I started dealing with my shift in world view, I recalled some events, but I did not see it as all that important or I blamed myself
	I tend to be busy up to and often beyond my real capacity
	I would rather do something good for someone then give them a glimpse of my soul
	I have trouble saying no
	I avoid asking for help
	I apologize a lot more than I receive apologies
	I am critical of myself especially as a woman
	As a child I was a great helper even to my abuser/attacker
	As a child I was a good listener and generally quiet-not a troublemaker




The Toughy
	I see myself as a take charge task-oriented person
	I have tended to view my longings as sentimental, sloppy, and/or weak
	I hate to be dependent on people
	When I feel sexual, I feel more powerful than desirable
	I sometimes fantasize about dominating men
	When people compliment me I wonder what they are after
	I can usually tell when people are being dishonest or untrustworthy
	I am highly competent at a variety of tasks
	I like to be in charge
	When challenged I am willing to go toe to toe with anyone to accomplish what I think is right
	I lose my temper fairly frequently
	I do not put much stock in compliments
	People value me for my competence
	I have strong opinion about women's rights
	Nobody would dare call me cuddly or soft
	When I feel threatened or angry I tend to be verbally aggressive or sarcastic to overpower the other person
	I can be wonderfully pleasant but people know the will be sorry if they cross my line
 


The Partier
	I really like a good time
	I am hard to pin down
	You can count on my being unpredictable
	I have moderate or wild mood swings
	I am easily hurt
	I tend to fell it is pointless to dwell on hurts
	I try not to let things bother me but often they do
	I take things out of context or mishear them
	I am whiny sometimes and bold at other times
	I often feel very afraid but at times I am surprisingly brave
	I am fickle
	I am not good at keeping long-term relationships

When a relationship starts to get too close, I want to end it so I…
	Pull away
	Cause conflict
	Do something disloyal
	Get attracted to another man/woman
	Other…

	I get out of a relationship when the person demands too much time and energy
	I feel uncomfortable with commitment
	I receive many advances from others and I am surprised wondering why the person is attracted
	I flirt a lot
	I enjoy being seductive
 

Reflections
Look over the checklists. Do you fit in any of these particular categories? If so which one? If not what did you notice about your style of relating? Consider the attitudes that lie behind your style of relating. Why do you think you relate to others in the way that you do?

Give the appropriate "How do others Experience/Partner/Family me?" checklist to several people who know you in different contexts.

How do their experiences of you differ from you own? What does this tell you about yourself? Which of these characteristics do you like in yourself? What characteristics would you like to do differently?