Conversations: Dancing with Words

The dance is a poem of which each movement is a word.
Mata Hari
I guess I could say I’m a conversationologist.
Yes, I made that word up.
I find myself most days listening to clients talk about their conversations with themselves, or others. These conversations are typically upsetting to my clients. The content is either self or other directed with the client either stuck in the past, or projecting into the future. As my clients talk patterns appear. Habits that have become so familiar that my client is completely unaware of them. As I reflect, and ask questions, the client’s awareness begins to shift. The client shifts to a neutral, present moment awareness that the conversation is no longer personal but transformative, yielding data. Data about the self, and data about the other. Noticing is heightened, intimacy increased, and the power of what lies behind the words evolves into a deeper understanding of the self, and other.
 Conversations become dances of graceful swoops, meaningful pauses, and spiraling insights formed from words that are heard, pondered, reflected, and responded to in understanding honesty, and kindness. These rewarding conversations are neutral without judgment, and occur in this moment.  Judgment dissipates, only the moment exists in true connection. Meaning, understanding and connecting with oneself, or with others are truly conversations to create, collect, and treasure.
How are your conversations going? Not well? Contact me.

Love like a Stallion

equine collaborated coaches 300x214 - Love like a StallionHorses can teach us about life, if we take the time to observe, and understand their behavior. Fin, my Andalusian stallion reminds me of the importance of letting those we care about know that we do. Fin, like most stallions knows his first and foremost job is to support his herd. Fin nickers whenever his mare comes or goes, even for the shortest time. He can be in the pasture with his mare, and enter the stall next to her, two minutes later, and nicker as if he has been away from her for weeks. He is so delighted to see her. No matter her reception to him, Fin makes sure that his mare knows that he has her back, and he is there to protect her. He respects her “no”, and never pouts. He is always glad to see her and supports her.

In life, we could use this as a metaphor for how we attend to others in our life. What would it be like for your spouse, partner, colleague, boss, employee to know that you supported of them? That you were glad to see them? That you valued them?

How might this change your relationship with them?

Difficult relationships? Let’s talk.

Your Posture, Impacts You

Be fully in the moment, open yourself to the powerful energies dancing around you.
Ernest Hemingway

We know that our posture impacts how others see us, but did you know it also may impact how we feel about ourselves? We know that a change in facial expression such as a half-smile can lighten our mood. Amy Cuddy’s research supports the idea that intentional changes in our body posture impacts our physiology, thus changing how we feel about ourselves.

Here is a short clip of Amy Cuddy’s Ted Talk discussing the impact of body posing on physiology.

Amy Cuddy Shortened Ted Talk

If you are so inclined here is Amy’s Ted Talk in its’ entirety!

Body Language and Presence

Amy Cuddy discusses power poses in this video.

Power Poses

Practice using a power pose(s) throughout your day to move yourself to an emotional space of confidence, peace, power, and contentment. Does it change how you feel? Are you a powerful, peaceful person? Yes? Would you like to be even more powerful, present, and peaceful? If so, let me know!

The Value of Knowing Nothing

Communication solves all problems.
Steve Chandler

What is the value of knowing nothing about another?

This might be the one truth that is truly useful in forming and maintaining relationships, team building, and leadership. It forces us to call on our curiosity to learn about someone else and their circumstances.

Simple wonder, awe, sincere question asking creates a state that allows us to call forth that which is not yet known to either of us. Thus, providing a solid foundation for insight, exploration, and exchange.

Questions create clarity and understanding.

desireemarsha 214x300 - The Value of Knowing Nothing

Horses & Lunch

marsha and fin energy work - Horses & Lunch

Marsha Ferrick Coaching

The feminine energy of the mare pulls the herd. The masculine energy of the stallion pushes the herd. In concert, they keep the herd fed, watered and safe. They interact as a community. The energy of the lead mare and the stallion are different. She prefers to be followed. She is ahead of the group. She determines the forward momentum. The stallion follows his herd. He keeps them together, and he is the first line of defense, if a predator threatens the herd. He is typically bold in comparison to the wariness of his lead mare who trusts slowly, and approaches cautiously, if at all.

Last week I hosted a group of twenty + from around the globe to experience the power of Equine Collaborated Coaching at Full Circle Ranch B&B in Cave Creek, AZ. This is what Dave shared with me after he returned home from the event.

“I had a chance to use it as soon as I got home. Making lunches in my house has been a HUGE fight for years as we ask our kids, ages 7 and 9, to do it themselves. It usually involves lots of yelling, threatening, and then eventually me doing it for them.

After our work with the horses, I realized that my son responds well to pushing (masculine or yang) energy and my daughter pulling (feminine or yin) energy. So, when it came time, I told my son he needed to make his lunch and then pushed my energy towards the fridge with him in front of me. When he started to wander off, as he always does, a few minutes in, I just stepped in front of him and gently pushed my energy back toward him and his lunch. He went so easily!!!! Lunch was made, no problem.

With my daughter, we usually push and push with no response. So today after telling her it was time and she didn’t respond I just said, ‘Hey Scarlette, I’m just going to go ahead and do it for you,’ and started pulling things out. She immediately stepped in and did it all herself.

My wife was floored.”

What David did so adeptly was to generalize the herd dynamics he had learned in the Equine Collaborated Coaching session to social interactions with others, in this case his children. Once he understood the energy dynamic in his children, he could manage his internal energy in a way that guided his children to make their own lunches without drama, and in a cooperative manner. Voila! Peaceful family lunch-making time!

Where do things fall apart for you in relationships? Are there times and situations in which you are puzzled by the dynamics that occurs between you and others? Do you have difficulty with certain people? If so, consider your energy. Do you push people or pull people? How about the individuals around you? What energy do they put out? How do you manage your energy with others?

If this sounds interesting to you, and you would like to discuss it contact me.

Love, Marsha
PS. Our April, Power of Your Presence Retreat is already full, so hold your space in our October Power of Your Presence Retreat now!

Are You Having Fun?

“You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation. ” Plato

Several years ago I was working with a couple. The couple were both hard working professionals with successful practices. and dedicated parents to their 5 children. Managing life was truly an art in and of itself for them. As in many marriages, as life became busier work, and children often took precedence over the couple spending time with each other. Sound familiar?

During one coaching session one partner said to me, I know, I know we need to make more time to WORK on our marriage. The word WORK just hit me wrong. These were people that needed less work, not more. So gently I said, “You both work so hard at your practices, and at making life work for your children, maybe what you need to do is have more FUN in your marriage.” We all laughed. They thought that was a tremendous idea, and began to discuss how they could have more FUN together, instead of working on the marriage.

This small change of perspective made all the difference for them. They began to surprise each other, take unexpected trips, do fun and silly things together. They began to laugh together again. If your marriage or partnership isn’t what it once was think about how to make it more fun, not more work.

Needs some ideas? Contact me!

Are you Listening or Anticipating?

Marsha & Fin

Marsha & Fin

I own a beautiful bay Andalusian stallion who’s nicknamed Fin. Riding him today I was acutely aware of when he was listening to me, and we were communicating clearly versus when he was anticipating my request, and thus the lines of communication were marred. We could argue that he was in fact picking up cues based on his past experience with me, and thus my body language was communicating with him before I was actually aware that I was making the request. However, what in fact he was doing was remembering a previous session or pattern of exercises that we completed and was anticipating that we would do the same routine or dance today as well. So although he was correct about the previous pattern, he was incorrect about what I was asking today. So I checked the clarity of my cues, slowed down the rhythm of the process, and allowed him to return to listening by ignoring his anticipation, and staying clear on communicating my current goal.

“Wow,” I thought, “that’s it, we get use to a pattern of communicating with others, we respond to the previous communication patterns with them. We anticipate their words, agendas, or needs. Sometimes we get it right. but sometimes we really screw it up, because we have failed to truly listen, because we were too busy trying to anticipate the other person’s world.” Instead of just waiting, being curious, and wondering, we were being self-protective, defensive, people-pleasing, or afraid instead. Fin anticipated because he has a strong desire to please.

Why do you anticipate when communicating with others? Where do you fail to truly listen? Where could you slow down, listen, and truly have a conversation with someone today?

Are You a Boredom Pecker?

As I talked to Debby Kinsella at Full Circle Ranch B & B, Cave Creek, AZ about her hens that supplied the eggs for morning breakfast, a friend of hers pointed out that some of the hens had spots on their backs where the feathers were missing. Debbie said that they had recently found ouGallery4-300x195t that the hens pecked at each other when bored, thus Debby and Tom were building them a series of interesting things to do and challenges to keep them occupied, so they would not peck at each other.
I thought this was interesting. Like the hens, do we pick or peck on others when we are bored with our lives, and work? Do we begin to mess in the business of others when our own lives are not fulfilling and satisfying? I have often wondered if people are bored when they work on creating trouble and misery for others. Using our hen friends as an example, we might say that boredom in fact breeds contempt.
Contempt as we know per the work of John Gottman, PhD creates illness in those individuals being treat contemptuously. Given that contempt creates illness would it not serve us, and the other people in our life to be happily, challenged with our own business and life?
Where are you picking or pecking at others in your life? Where are you not minding your own business, or creating the challenges in your own life that keep you focused on yourself, and what is important to you? The next time you find yourself picking or pecking at someone else, ask yourself, are you boredom pecker?

 

What’s in a Whisper?

What is in a whisper? I watch my mares in the pasture, and they whisper. They whisper to their colts, to each other, to the stallion, and to me. They whisper, and they are heard. They lead the herd with magic and grace with signs so subtle human eyes rarely notice but their whispers are not fIMG_20160519_084939orgotten on the wind. The whispers of the lead mare move the herd to safety, find water, and food. The whispers keep them alive, the whispers are heard by the herd, the whispers are noticed. The whispers are a powerful form of energy that leads the horses to life.

When we whisper others listen. When we whisper people follow. When we whisper we are powerful. When we whisper we are heard.

Whisper today, and see the difference a whisper can make.

Moving West, a Perspective

Many years ago a colleague of mine recounted a story told to her by the Chair of her dissertation committee. He recalled that to graduate from one of his programs he had to write a paper that would be read by five random professors at his college that did not know him. He submitted exactly the same paper to each person. He recalled the responses were fascinating. The feedback he received was everything from “This is the best paper I have ever read,” to “This is the worst paper I have read.” So how could one paper be viewed so radically different by these five professors?

Perspective. Perspective is everything.

Likewise, for the most part the individuals in my life, friends, colleagues, and clients have been delighted about my new venture. Excited for me that I will be experiencing life in a new way as I coach, write, and enjoy my time in nature and with my animals traveling on the road. This response seems a no-brainer, someone doing something they want to do so you celebrate with them, even though it may on one hand be a loss for yourself. Yet I also received perceptions of my adventure as a loss for me (per them), or as a narcissistic, and selfish gesture.

Isn’t perspective interesting?

The fascinating thing about another person’s perspective is that it is theirs, not mine so for better or worse, it is not my issue it is theirs. To make things even better the really great thing about my perspective is that I can change it. I can decide whether it brings suffering or joy to me. The people that are choosing to celebrate my new adventure with me are choosing joy, coming from a higher place on the spiritual ladder so to speak. And for those that have chosen otherwise the good news is they can choose to step up the ladder anytime they desire.

Perspective is the way we decorate our world. How are you decorating your world today? Take a step up the ladder. The air is cleaner, the view is clearer, and life becomes much sweeter!