7 Myths of Empowerment

Empowerment is a term that evokes emotion. Possibly we envision super heroes, leaders, or warriors yet empowerment is far less glamorous then we might like to think. Let’s start with what empowerment is not. Empowerment is not achieved in a vacuum but only in relationship to others. It is not strength, or ignorance of one’s options, or lack of knowledge. Empowerment is not inborn, although it can be nurtured from a young age by encouraging confidence and not discouraging a belief in one’s self.

Not Achieved Alone

Empowerment is not achieved alone. Empowerment is attained within relationships. Otherwise the need to be empowered diminishes without interaction with others. Choices made in a vacuum have less impact in an environment then choices made in a relationship rich arena. In this arena empowered choices require greater consideration and responsibility to the self and to others.

Not Strength

Empowerment is not about physical or emotional strength. It is about the knowledge of what lies within us, and outside us. It requires self-knowledge, and self-knowledge requires a mirror. Given we are rarely honest self-reflectors. Training and skill development are mandatory components to becoming empowered. To achieve empowerment a kind, truth teller is often mandatory, yet often missing in our environment. Thus, true empowerment often is slightly beyond our range of personal insight in any given moment.

Ignorance of Options

To become empowered requires an awareness of our choices. The more choices we have the more empowered we are in our lives. Unfortunately, we are often unaware of many of our choices because our self-limiting beliefs, and fears that inhibit our knowledge and exploration of them. Empowerment occurs when an objective observer assists us in seeing the bigger picture, and points out other pathways that are available to us, expanding our choices. Then one needs to choose or not, to step outside one’s comfort zone to exam and embrace other options, and for most of us that requires support and encouragement from outside ourselves.

Lack of Knowledge

It might not need to be said, but to become empowered one must know when one is disempowered, and if one has never been empowered that also requires the assistance of another. Thus, we see the repeated necessity of another, a relationship in which we can achieve full insight and access to our choices, and therefore our power.

Not Inborn

Empowerment is achieved through experimentation in relationships with others, therefore aloneness does not perpetuate empowerment. Relationships perpetuate our growth and therefore, as we master the art of relationships we become more empowered. In relationships, we are challenged to listen, reflect, and then determine what is right for us given the choices before us.

Lack of Self-Confidence

Empowerment comes from trusting one’s own sense of knowing, and letting go of thoughts and feelings as “the truth”. Trusting one’s sense of knowing comes from playing in the world, and learning that another’s truth is not necessarily one’s own, and that thoughts and feelings are just momentary data and not what one uses to make life choices.

Not the Past or Future

Empowerment comes from being present in the here and now with whoever, and whatever is present. It is about becoming clear around your choices, and then choosing at each choice point a direction, and knowing that one can always choose another direction when one wants to do so.

Six Actions You can take to Build Self-Confidence

A New Way to Look at Emotions

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your Posture, Impacts You

Be fully in the moment, open yourself to the powerful energies dancing around you.
Ernest Hemingway

We know that our posture impacts how others see us, but did you know it also may impact how we feel about ourselves? We know that a change in facial expression such as a half-smile can lighten our mood. Amy Cuddy’s research supports the idea that intentional changes in our body posture impacts our physiology, thus changing how we feel about ourselves.

Here is a short clip of Amy Cuddy’s Ted Talk discussing the impact of body posing on physiology.

Amy Cuddy Shortened Ted Talk

If you are so inclined here is Amy’s Ted Talk in its’ entirety!

Body Language and Presence

Amy Cuddy discusses power poses in this video.

Power Poses

Practice using a power pose(s) throughout your day to move yourself to an emotional space of confidence, peace, power, and contentment. Does it change how you feel? Are you a powerful, peaceful person? Yes? Would you like to be even more powerful, present, and peaceful? If so, let me know!

Numb to the Possibilities

I am in the midst of reading, Steve Chandler’s newest book, Death Wish about recovery from addiction. In it he mentions a conversation between publisher Maurice Bassett and blogger Adam Adams. Adams was quoted as saying, “the greatest addiction is familiarity addiction”. Steve quotes Maurice as writing, “It does seem that familiarity is a powerful yet subtle addiction. Staying in our comfort zones, not risking… Going numb to our own possibilities.”

Upon reading this I yelled, “Yes, that’s it!” It is this complacency I experience all around me. When I ask others, “How are you? What is going on in your world? ” I am met with fine, good, okay. Life is the status quo. Ugh, I’d rather hear awful, terrible, hard, or awesome, incredible, exciting, or at the very least interesting.

Why, because at least I know those in the latter category are growing, learning, and alive to their own possibilities. It may not be of their own making. Life may be delivering them a large nudge to grow, learn, and change, or they may be creating the circumstances to do that themselves. Either way there is hope! They are alive!

By choice or circumstance they are awake, and in being awake we are able to create an incredible life.

Are you numbing out with the familiar or something else? Are you curled up in your comfort zone? Where might you stretch 1-5% beyond your comfort zone? Where might you re-awaken, and become alive?

Email me, I would love to about your possibilities!

Stop Toe Dipping, Take the Plunge!

One hot AZ morning this week the beautiful blue pool was calling to me. As I sat on the edge of the pool and did some toe dipping the water felt cool and refreshing. The water felt great on my feet, ankles, and calves yet the rest of me baked in the sun. So another step deeper was needed, and “Oh,” it was a bit cooler but within less than a minute it felt good as my knees bobbed just below the surface, and my legs quickly adjusted to the new temperature. Despite the heat I was hesitant to take the next step. This step was much deeper, over my waist. “Did I want to cool off that badly?” “Maybe I should get out now!” Although that seemed a bit foolish since the sun was hot, and the pool refreshing, and well, I was half in all ready. I mean didn’t that defeat the idea of cooling off in the pool getting out while still half baked? And who knew how many chances I would get to enjoy this pool. So I took the plunge and for a moment I did regret taking that next step, “Oh, it was cold!” Yet the strangest thing happened. In a few moments I adjusted to it. Wow! Interesting! Next I decided to do some edge testing so I began to wade slowly toward the deep end, but that became almost torturous, so I decided to take the plunge. I held my breath and dropped to the bottom, and “Ah,” it was cold, but I survived, and well, you guessed it, in a few seconds I was refreshed! The water felt great! Viola, I had created a refreshing reality!

As I noted my approach to adapting to the temperature of the pool I observed the similarities with life. Each step into the refreshing pool created a challenge, a decision, to go back, stay put, or move forward. Each moved forward required facing the uncomfortable certainty of change, the adaptation to the change, and the joy of having reached this new place. The toe dipping, and knee bobbing were easy, and fun but as I moved toward the moment of totally being cooled and refreshed the biggest challenge came as I grew closest to realizing my momentary vision of being refreshed because the edge testing became torturous, and I had to choose, once and for all to take the plunge, or back away from the dream of that cool refreshing water.

Consider your life, your relationships, your work, your children, your education, your dreams, where are you toe dipping, knee bobbing, half baked, or edge testing? Where are you ready to take the plunge?

What’s in a Whisper?

What is in a whisper? I watch my mares in the pasture, and they whisper. They whisper to their colts, to each other, to the stallion, and to me. They whisper, and they are heard. They lead the herd with magic and grace with signs so subtle human eyes rarely notice but their whispers are not fIMG_20160519_084939orgotten on the wind. The whispers of the lead mare move the herd to safety, find water, and food. The whispers keep them alive, the whispers are heard by the herd, the whispers are noticed. The whispers are a powerful form of energy that leads the horses to life.

When we whisper others listen. When we whisper people follow. When we whisper we are powerful. When we whisper we are heard.

Whisper today, and see the difference a whisper can make.

What You Do?

Success demands singleness of purpose. You need to be doing fewer things for more effect instead of doing more things with side effects. It is those who concentrate on but one thing at a time who advance in this world…When people look back on their lives, it is the things they have not done that generate the greatest regret…People’s actions may be troublesome initially; it is their inactions that plague them most with long-term feelings of regret. Make sure every day you do what matters most. When you know what matters most, everything makes sense. When you don’t know what matters most, anything makes sense.
Gary Keller

If 2016 were your last year left on this earth, and you could only do one thing in the year that remained using only your current resources, “What one thing would you do? When would you do it? With whom would you do it?“

Now write it down in this format, “I am visiting Disneyland with my children, August 1-10th, 2016.”  Fill in the blanks…I am __________________ with ________________ on/by (date) _____________________________________.

Create a To Do List to make this event happen. Determine the first step, and take it, then the next, and the next…before long we will see you at Disney, or where ever your vision takes you!

What will you do in 2016?

Life is a Prep School for Your Future

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
Soren Kierkegaard

There are no mistakes only creative opportunities. How has your life prepared you for the future? Consider both what you consider successes and the failures. What have you learned from these events? How can you use these to appreciate this present moment and to create the future that you desire? Think of all of areas of your life as preparing you for the next leg of your journey. What have you learned in school, work, and relationships? What skills and abilities have you developed from these experiences? In this moment what has life taught you that will help you, now? Next, what can you create with all that you know now to create your future?

The Kindness of Telling Your Truth

Friendship 1 - The Kindness of Telling Your Truth

Have you ever found yourself telling people what you think they want to hear because you want to be nice?

The excuse you tell yourself is that you don’t want to hurt their feelings, when you really mean is you do not want to feel uncomfortable speaking the truth.

Being nice is at best apathetic and at worst cowardly!

What “no, I am really a very nice person!”

Think about it!

First, being nice when it isn’t your truth is lying.

Lies indicate you do not value the relationships. Lies deteriorate intimacy and destroy personal connections. You are better than that and so are they. If they are not, then why do you have them in your life?

Second, you are only responsible for managing your own feelings around telling your truth, you are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings.

You do not have the power to control someone else’s feelings. Any more than they have the power to control yours.

Third, do you fear that you won’t be loved or liked? Have people punished you historically for telling your truth?

If you have to change your truth to be loved or liked than you have compromised yourself, and who then are they really loving? You or the you they want you to be?

Respect your own truth, and respect others enough to tell then your truth in a kind way. You will honor yourself and others when you are brave enough to tell them your truth.

The truth told with love and caring is the greatest gift that we can offer others.

Do Your Intense Emotions Interfere with Effective Communication?

During a difficult conversation with someone have you ever become overwhelmed with emotions (flooding), or withdraw, and can no longer speak (stonewalling)? This is a familiar pattern for many couples during heated conversations regarding sensitive subjects. These intense emotional states can be referred to as stonewalling or flooding. Stonewalling occurs when you shutdown, withdraw, and no longer can speak. It is frequently used to avoid becoming overwhelmed or flooded with emotions outwardly; however, inwardly you may be feeling like you are going to lose control. You may think or feel you are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, disconnection, and sometimes contempt to others. Flooding is most noticeable when there is an outward intense display of emotions. If you are experiencing being flooded you may feel like you drowning in your emotions. Your tears or anger are overwhelming and you are unable to outwardly or inwardly regulate your emotions. Unfortunately stonewalling and flooding behaviors result in ineffective communication with others. When either stonewalling or flooding occurs you are unable to track what is going on with the other person. So although they serve as self protection they prevent you from being able to take in the information that might be helpful in resolving issues. Intense physiological arousal prevents you from hearing and communicating clearly with those you care about is important. In fact when your diffuse physiological arousal reaches high enough states you cannot take in data so you are unable to accurately hear what the other person is saying.

It would be nice if you could simply stop experiencing intense feelings during difficult conversations because you now realize it is ineffective for resolving conflict. Unfortunately this is not the case for most of us. So when you are experiencing a great deal of emotions during a difficult conversation you might want to tell the other person that you need a time-out from the conversation because what is being said is important to you but you are unable to hear in this moment. Let the other person know that you will come back and talk about the issue later. Giving them a time frame is helpful, for example, 20 minutes, tomorrow morning, after dinner then be sure to follow up. Now it is time to reground, self-soothe, and re-center yourself. There are numerous ways that may work for you. Here are a few ideas you might try.

  • Take a walk.
  • Take a hot shower or warm bath.
  • Meditate.
  • Focus on slowing your breathing down.
  • Work on a hobby.
  • Use a progressive relaxation exercise.
  • Close your eyes and envision being in your favorite vacation spot.
  • Put on some uplifting music.
  • Dance.
  • Make a gratitude list. Remember all the little things.

Experiment and figure out what works for you. Remember the idea is to decrease the intensity of your internal physiological arousal until you are in a place where you can resume the conversation with the other person, and hopefully come to a place of understanding and possibly resolution about a difficult issue.

Copyrighted 2014