The Value of Knowing Nothing

Communication solves all problems.
Steve Chandler

What is the value of knowing nothing about another?

This might be the one truth that is truly useful in forming and maintaining relationships, team building, and leadership. It forces us to call on our curiosity to learn about someone else and their circumstances.

Simple wonder, awe, sincere question asking creates a state that allows us to call forth that which is not yet known to either of us. Thus, providing a solid foundation for insight, exploration, and exchange.

Questions create clarity and understanding.

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Suffering Options!

SUFFERING IS OPTIONAL this holiday season!

This may be hard to believe if you struggle with family members.

Here are some skills I teach clients that struggle with family events.

First, you get to choose. So, stay empowered in that choice.
 
You really do not have to go anywhere, or invite anyone to your house.

Second, stay focused on WHY you made the choice.
 
Mom might not be here next year.
The children love to play with their cousins.
Support my partner.
Whatever your reason, it is okay to go, or not, invite or not.

Third, you can change your mind and make a different choice.
 
It is okay to leave at any point if you so choose.
It is okay to ask someone to leave your home.

Fourth, have clear limits.
 
Screaming and yelling occurs, I go home.

Fifth, create the time you want to have. Do you want to have a…
 
Quiet, relaxing, and peaceful time?
Playful and fun?
Helpful and engaged?

Then set out to make that happen. Remember no one can get in the way of that unless you choose to let them!

Still suffering? Want to stop? Let’s talk!

Are You Having Fun?

“You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation. ” Plato

Several years ago I was working with a couple. The couple were both hard working professionals with successful practices. and dedicated parents to their 5 children. Managing life was truly an art in and of itself for them. As in many marriages, as life became busier work, and children often took precedence over the couple spending time with each other. Sound familiar?

During one coaching session one partner said to me, I know, I know we need to make more time to WORK on our marriage. The word WORK just hit me wrong. These were people that needed less work, not more. So gently I said, “You both work so hard at your practices, and at making life work for your children, maybe what you need to do is have more FUN in your marriage.” We all laughed. They thought that was a tremendous idea, and began to discuss how they could have more FUN together, instead of working on the marriage.

This small change of perspective made all the difference for them. They began to surprise each other, take unexpected trips, do fun and silly things together. They began to laugh together again. If your marriage or partnership isn’t what it once was think about how to make it more fun, not more work.

Needs some ideas? Contact me!

Are you Listening or Anticipating?

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Marsha & Fin

I own a beautiful bay Andalusian stallion who’s nicknamed Fin. Riding him today I was acutely aware of when he was listening to me, and we were communicating clearly versus when he was anticipating my request, and thus the lines of communication were marred. We could argue that he was in fact picking up cues based on his past experience with me, and thus my body language was communicating with him before I was actually aware that I was making the request. However, what in fact he was doing was remembering a previous session or pattern of exercises that we completed and was anticipating that we would do the same routine or dance today as well. So although he was correct about the previous pattern, he was incorrect about what I was asking today. So I checked the clarity of my cues, slowed down the rhythm of the process, and allowed him to return to listening by ignoring his anticipation, and staying clear on communicating my current goal.

“Wow,” I thought, “that’s it, we get use to a pattern of communicating with others, we respond to the previous communication patterns with them. We anticipate their words, agendas, or needs. Sometimes we get it right. but sometimes we really screw it up, because we have failed to truly listen, because we were too busy trying to anticipate the other person’s world.” Instead of just waiting, being curious, and wondering, we were being self-protective, defensive, people-pleasing, or afraid instead. Fin anticipated because he has a strong desire to please.

Why do you anticipate when communicating with others? Where do you fail to truly listen? Where could you slow down, listen, and truly have a conversation with someone today?

Are You a Boredom Pecker?

As I talked to Debby Kinsella at Full Circle Ranch B & B, Cave Creek, AZ about her hens that supplied the eggs for morning breakfast, a friend of hers pointed out that some of the hens had spots on their backs where the feathers were missing. Debbie said that they had recently found ouGallery4 300x195 300x195 - Are You a Boredom Pecker?t that the hens pecked at each other when bored, thus Debby and Tom were building them a series of interesting things to do and challenges to keep them occupied, so they would not peck at each other.
I thought this was interesting. Like the hens, do we pick or peck on others when we are bored with our lives, and work? Do we begin to mess in the business of others when our own lives are not fulfilling and satisfying? I have often wondered if people are bored when they work on creating trouble and misery for others. Using our hen friends as an example, we might say that boredom in fact breeds contempt.
Contempt as we know per the work of John Gottman, PhD creates illness in those individuals being treat contemptuously. Given that contempt creates illness would it not serve us, and the other people in our life to be happily, challenged with our own business and life?
Where are you picking or pecking at others in your life? Where are you not minding your own business, or creating the challenges in your own life that keep you focused on yourself, and what is important to you? The next time you find yourself picking or pecking at someone else, ask yourself, are you boredom pecker?

 

What’s in a Whisper?

What is in a whisper? I watch my mares in the pasture, and they whisper. They whisper to their colts, to each other, to the stallion, and to me. They whisper, and they are heard. They lead the herd with magic and grace with signs so subtle human eyes rarely notice but their whispers are not fIMG 20160519 084939 300x272 - What's in a Whisper?orgotten on the wind. The whispers of the lead mare move the herd to safety, find water, and food. The whispers keep them alive, the whispers are heard by the herd, the whispers are noticed. The whispers are a powerful form of energy that leads the horses to life.

When we whisper others listen. When we whisper people follow. When we whisper we are powerful. When we whisper we are heard.

Whisper today, and see the difference a whisper can make.

Moving West, a Perspective

Many years ago a colleague of mine recounted a story told to her by the Chair of her dissertation committee. He recalled that to graduate from one of his programs he had to write a paper that would be read by five random professors at his college that did not know him. He submitted exactly the same paper to each person. He recalled the responses were fascinating. The feedback he received was everything from “This is the best paper I have ever read,” to “This is the worst paper I have read.” So how could one paper be viewed so radically different by these five professors?

Perspective. Perspective is everything.

Likewise, for the most part the individuals in my life, friends, colleagues, and clients have been delighted about my new venture. Excited for me that I will be experiencing life in a new way as I coach, write, and enjoy my time in nature and with my animals traveling on the road. This response seems a no-brainer, someone doing something they want to do so you celebrate with them, even though it may on one hand be a loss for yourself. Yet I also received perceptions of my adventure as a loss for me (per them), or as a narcissistic, and selfish gesture.

Isn’t perspective interesting?

The fascinating thing about another person’s perspective is that it is theirs, not mine so for better or worse, it is not my issue it is theirs. To make things even better the really great thing about my perspective is that I can change it. I can decide whether it brings suffering or joy to me. The people that are choosing to celebrate my new adventure with me are choosing joy, coming from a higher place on the spiritual ladder so to speak. And for those that have chosen otherwise the good news is they can choose to step up the ladder anytime they desire.

Perspective is the way we decorate our world. How are you decorating your world today? Take a step up the ladder. The air is cleaner, the view is clearer, and life becomes much sweeter!

Relationship Makers or Breakers

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.
Mother Theresa

Relationships are about belonging. What makes or breaks a relationship? Belonging is a major component of maintaining a relationship. Belonging is an emotional connection with others that creates an inner peace. So, how do I know I belong?

I belong when someone…
– pays attention to what I am saying and doing.
– really hears what I am saying.
– empathizes with the story I am telling.
– can reflect the essence of what I am sharing.
– respects my words, thoughts, and beliefs.
– accepts me as I am without trying to change me.
– honors the boundaries I assert.
– can share who they are with me.
– can tolerate my directness without distress.

How do you know when you belong?

Here is a great video by Sue Johnson, PhD.

How to Love/Belong Intelligently

 

Extraordinary Relationships

Creating extraordinary relationships requires regular emotional deposits, and minimal withdrawals.
Stephen Covey


Who doesn’t want extraordinary relationships? I love my extraordinary relationships. Don’t you? What makes them extraordinary? Emotional deposits are one thing that makes a relationship extraordinary.

When am I making emotional deposits? When I create acts of kindness, keep promises, have and honor clear agreements, speak well of others in their absence, apologize, and forgive. However, it is not enough to just make emotional deposits I must minimize emotional withdrawals. Emotional withdrawals can be acts of unkindness, broken promises, unclear expectations or non-existent agreements, disloyal in word or deed, never apologizing, or never forgiving.

Are you making more emotional deposits than withdrawals in your relationships? Are you wondering why your relationships are not extraordinary? What actions will you take to make more emotional deposits today in order to begin to make your relationships
extraordinary?

Role Awareness Improves Relationships

Relationships can be difficult at the best of times. An important thing to remember is your role in the relationship.

  • Is the relationship a peer to peer relationship?
  • Parent to child?
  • Is it a boss to employee relationship?
  • Is it a friend to friend relationship?
  • Is it potential love relationship?
  • Is it a love or monogamous partner relationship?

The role you decide to play in any particular relationship can shift easily. Consider..

  • The words that are spoken.
  • How words are spoken.
  • Body language.
  • Behaviors.
  • Actions.
  • Inaction.
  • What is said.
  • What isn’t said.
  • Who leads.
  • Who follows.

Relationships are constantly negotiated, and roles re-defined.

The role of each person when clear, and well articulated is easy to negotiate. Often the reason things get difficult in relationships is because the contract is not clear between individuals. Clear roles, and articulation of changes in this role are helpful, especially in new relationships. Asking permission to shift roles is a wonderful way to negotiate a shift.

For example, a husband to wife, “May I put on my business hat here?” If she says, “No.” Respect the, “no.” Stay in the supportive husband role.  If she says, “yes,” then by all means put on your business hat.

Remember when you stop that role let your partner know that you have taken off that hat. It feels a bit awkward at first but with practice it makes communication much clearer and strengthens your relationship.

Copyrighted 2014