The Value of Knowing Nothing

Communication solves all problems.
Steve Chandler

What is the value of knowing nothing about another?

This might be the one truth that is truly useful in forming and maintaining relationships, team building, and leadership. It forces us to call on our curiosity to learn about someone else and their circumstances.

Simple wonder, awe, sincere question asking creates a state that allows us to call forth that which is not yet known to either of us. Thus, providing a solid foundation for insight, exploration, and exchange.

Questions create clarity and understanding.

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Are you Listening or Anticipating?

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Marsha & Fin

I own a beautiful bay Andalusian stallion who’s nicknamed Fin. Riding him today I was acutely aware of when he was listening to me, and we were communicating clearly versus when he was anticipating my request, and thus the lines of communication were marred. We could argue that he was in fact picking up cues based on his past experience with me, and thus my body language was communicating with him before I was actually aware that I was making the request. However, what in fact he was doing was remembering a previous session or pattern of exercises that we completed and was anticipating that we would do the same routine or dance today as well. So although he was correct about the previous pattern, he was incorrect about what I was asking today. So I checked the clarity of my cues, slowed down the rhythm of the process, and allowed him to return to listening by ignoring his anticipation, and staying clear on communicating my current goal.

“Wow,” I thought, “that’s it, we get use to a pattern of communicating with others, we respond to the previous communication patterns with them. We anticipate their words, agendas, or needs. Sometimes we get it right. but sometimes we really screw it up, because we have failed to truly listen, because we were too busy trying to anticipate the other person’s world.” Instead of just waiting, being curious, and wondering, we were being self-protective, defensive, people-pleasing, or afraid instead. Fin anticipated because he has a strong desire to please.

Why do you anticipate when communicating with others? Where do you fail to truly listen? Where could you slow down, listen, and truly have a conversation with someone today?

Perfect Listening

“People love to talk but hate to listen. Listening is not merely not talking, though even that is beyond most of our powers; it means taking a vigorous, human interest in what is being told us. You can listen like a blank wall or like a splendid auditorium where every sound comes back fuller and richer.”  A.D. Miller

 

The perfect listener concentrates, stays present and opens all her senses and engages in the collection of outside information.

 

The perfect listener has a blank mind without filters, judgments or biases.

 

The perfect listener hears what is and isn’t said.

 

The perfect listener understands that the speaker is always right in her world.

 

The perfect listener is curious.

 

The perfect listener learns from everyone, including herself.

Between the Lines

“The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t being said.”

S.L. Adler

 

Great relationships require great communication. Great communication requires that I..

Listen to what is said. Listen for what isn’t said. Seek the essence. Validate. Fully understand the other. Only then choose a response. Convey compassion, warmth, and concern by attending to volume, tone, and body language. Summarize mine and the others viewpoints. Come from a place of creating possibilities and positive outcomes. Speak my “truth” and know it may be different from someone else’s truth (and that is okay) because great relationships are based on mutual understanding not on mutual agreement.