Conversations: Dancing with Words

The dance is a poem of which each movement is a word.
Mata Hari
I guess I could say I’m a conversationologist.
Yes, I made that word up.
I find myself most days listening to clients talk about their conversations with themselves, or others. These conversations are typically upsetting to my clients. The content is either self or other directed with the client either stuck in the past, or projecting into the future. As my clients talk patterns appear. Habits that have become so familiar that my client is completely unaware of them. As I reflect, and ask questions, the client’s awareness begins to shift. The client shifts to a neutral, present moment awareness that the conversation is no longer personal but transformative, yielding data. Data about the self, and data about the other. Noticing is heightened, intimacy increased, and the power of what lies behind the words evolves into a deeper understanding of the self, and other.
 Conversations become dances of graceful swoops, meaningful pauses, and spiraling insights formed from words that are heard, pondered, reflected, and responded to in understanding honesty, and kindness. These rewarding conversations are neutral without judgment, and occur in this moment.  Judgment dissipates, only the moment exists in true connection. Meaning, understanding and connecting with oneself, or with others are truly conversations to create, collect, and treasure.
How are your conversations going? Not well? Contact me.

The Value of Knowing Nothing

Communication solves all problems.
Steve Chandler

What is the value of knowing nothing about another?

This might be the one truth that is truly useful in forming and maintaining relationships, team building, and leadership. It forces us to call on our curiosity to learn about someone else and their circumstances.

Simple wonder, awe, sincere question asking creates a state that allows us to call forth that which is not yet known to either of us. Thus, providing a solid foundation for insight, exploration, and exchange.

Questions create clarity and understanding.

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Are You Having Fun?

“You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation. ” Plato

Several years ago I was working with a couple. The couple were both hard working professionals with successful practices. and dedicated parents to their 5 children. Managing life was truly an art in and of itself for them. As in many marriages, as life became busier work, and children often took precedence over the couple spending time with each other. Sound familiar?

During one coaching session one partner said to me, I know, I know we need to make more time to WORK on our marriage. The word WORK just hit me wrong. These were people that needed less work, not more. So gently I said, “You both work so hard at your practices, and at making life work for your children, maybe what you need to do is have more FUN in your marriage.” We all laughed. They thought that was a tremendous idea, and began to discuss how they could have more FUN together, instead of working on the marriage.

This small change of perspective made all the difference for them. They began to surprise each other, take unexpected trips, do fun and silly things together. They began to laugh together again. If your marriage or partnership isn’t what it once was think about how to make it more fun, not more work.

Needs some ideas? Contact me!

Are you Listening or Anticipating?

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Marsha & Fin

I own a beautiful bay Andalusian stallion who’s nicknamed Fin. Riding him today I was acutely aware of when he was listening to me, and we were communicating clearly versus when he was anticipating my request, and thus the lines of communication were marred. We could argue that he was in fact picking up cues based on his past experience with me, and thus my body language was communicating with him before I was actually aware that I was making the request. However, what in fact he was doing was remembering a previous session or pattern of exercises that we completed and was anticipating that we would do the same routine or dance today as well. So although he was correct about the previous pattern, he was incorrect about what I was asking today. So I checked the clarity of my cues, slowed down the rhythm of the process, and allowed him to return to listening by ignoring his anticipation, and staying clear on communicating my current goal.

“Wow,” I thought, “that’s it, we get use to a pattern of communicating with others, we respond to the previous communication patterns with them. We anticipate their words, agendas, or needs. Sometimes we get it right. but sometimes we really screw it up, because we have failed to truly listen, because we were too busy trying to anticipate the other person’s world.” Instead of just waiting, being curious, and wondering, we were being self-protective, defensive, people-pleasing, or afraid instead. Fin anticipated because he has a strong desire to please.

Why do you anticipate when communicating with others? Where do you fail to truly listen? Where could you slow down, listen, and truly have a conversation with someone today?

Character Matters to Relationship Quality

The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.
Anthony Robbins

The quality of our lives my be the quality of our relationships, however the quality of a relationship is based on the character of the individuals involved in that relationship. Successful relationships are formed by individuals with characteristics that enable the relationship to thrive.

What characteristics help your relationships thrive? What characteristics do you want to develop in yourself?