What if every day was lived as a holiday?
What if each day we used our gifts
to make the lives of others better?
What if each day we did this not,
because we should,
but simply because we wanted to…?
What if each day,
we each made a little difference
in someone else’s life?
What if…?
Have you ever found yourself telling people what you think they want to hear because you want to be nice?
The excuse you tell yourself is that you don’t want to hurt their feelings, when you really mean is you do not want to feel uncomfortable speaking the truth.
Being nice is at best apathetic and at worst cowardly!
What “no, I am really a very nice person!”
Think about it!
First, being nice when it isn’t your truth is lying.
Lies indicate you do not value the relationships. Lies deteriorate intimacy and destroy personal connections. You are better than that and so are they. If they are not, then why do you have them in your life?
Second, you are only responsible for managing your own feelings around telling your truth, you are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings.
You do not have the power to control someone else’s feelings. Any more than they have the power to control yours.
Third, do you fear that you won’t be loved or liked? Have people punished you historically for telling your truth?
If you have to change your truth to be loved or liked than you have compromised yourself, and who then are they really loving? You or the you they want you to be?
Respect your own truth, and respect others enough to tell then your truth in a kind way. You will honor yourself and others when you are brave enough to tell them your truth.
The truth told with love and caring is the greatest gift that we can offer others.
Relationships can be difficult at the best of times. An important thing to remember is your role in the relationship.
The role you decide to play in any particular relationship can shift easily. Consider..
Relationships are constantly negotiated, and roles re-defined.
The role of each person when clear, and well articulated is easy to negotiate. Often the reason things get difficult in relationships is because the contract is not clear between individuals. Clear roles, and articulation of changes in this role are helpful, especially in new relationships. Asking permission to shift roles is a wonderful way to negotiate a shift.
For example, a husband to wife, “May I put on my business hat here?” If she says, “No.” Respect the, “no.” Stay in the supportive husband role. If she says, “yes,” then by all means put on your business hat.
Remember when you stop that role let your partner know that you have taken off that hat. It feels a bit awkward at first but with practice it makes communication much clearer and strengthens your relationship.
Copyrighted 2014
During a difficult conversation with someone have you ever become overwhelmed with emotions (flooding), or withdraw, and can no longer speak (stonewalling)? This is a familiar pattern for many couples during heated conversations regarding sensitive subjects. These intense emotional states can be referred to as stonewalling or flooding. Stonewalling occurs when you shutdown, withdraw, and no longer can speak. It is frequently used to avoid becoming overwhelmed or flooded with emotions outwardly; however, inwardly you may be feeling like you are going to lose control. You may think or feel you are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, disconnection, and sometimes contempt to others. Flooding is most noticeable when there is an outward intense display of emotions. If you are experiencing being flooded you may feel like you drowning in your emotions. Your tears or anger are overwhelming and you are unable to outwardly or inwardly regulate your emotions. Unfortunately stonewalling and flooding behaviors result in ineffective communication with others. When either stonewalling or flooding occurs you are unable to track what is going on with the other person. So although they serve as self protection they prevent you from being able to take in the information that might be helpful in resolving issues. Intense physiological arousal prevents you from hearing and communicating clearly with those you care about is important. In fact when your diffuse physiological arousal reaches high enough states you cannot take in data so you are unable to accurately hear what the other person is saying.
It would be nice if you could simply stop experiencing intense feelings during difficult conversations because you now realize it is ineffective for resolving conflict. Unfortunately this is not the case for most of us. So when you are experiencing a great deal of emotions during a difficult conversation you might want to tell the other person that you need a time-out from the conversation because what is being said is important to you but you are unable to hear in this moment. Let the other person know that you will come back and talk about the issue later. Giving them a time frame is helpful, for example, 20 minutes, tomorrow morning, after dinner then be sure to follow up. Now it is time to reground, self-soothe, and re-center yourself. There are numerous ways that may work for you. Here are a few ideas you might try.
Experiment and figure out what works for you. Remember the idea is to decrease the intensity of your internal physiological arousal until you are in a place where you can resume the conversation with the other person, and hopefully come to a place of understanding and possibly resolution about a difficult issue.
Copyrighted 2014
This is written by Michael Oliver. It coincides with my professional and personal experiences. I have been on both the receiving and giving end of effective and non-effective communication connections with people. Michael’s insights are well stated and worth passing on…
If you allow your own ego, beliefs and life’s experiences interpret or assume what another person is saying, without finding out first what they are meaning – you’ll likely lose their attention and trust!
Why? Because unless you are right on the mark, your assumption causes a break in the rapport and flow of the conversation or dialogue. It’s no different than treating people’s comments, questions and concerns as being objections to be overcome. It tells the other person that you’re not really listening and nor do you really care to understand.
For example. Have you ever said something like this in response to what someone has previously said;
That must have been awful for you
What if it was not THAT awful for them! Or not awful at all? Maybe what they were saying sounded awful! Maybe there was a positive outcome, which you didn’t hear because you didn’t give them time to talk about it – or even ask!”
Instead you could have asked; And how was that for you?
Now you would have heard their history without it being interrupted by yours!
How about…; I know how you feel!
Really? Do you? People’s real feelings are very unique to them. It’s also almost impossible to know how someone really feels unless you really dig deep,
Instead, find out more and ask a question; “So how did you feel about that?”
Or… If I were in your situation, I would be frustrated as well
Do you think the other person really cares if you would be frustrated as well! The story is about them not you!
Instead you could ask; So tell me more about that?
Detach from your need to use these gratuitous remarks and tell people what you think. This is especially important if you are in a conversation with them, when it’s critical to establish and maintain rapport.
Copyrighted 2014
Personally, I think being “right” is overrated. I mean what is “right’ anyway? “Right” is a concept. “Right” is where your perception lies. Depending on where you stand that perspective looks different. Perspective is forged from life experience. Life experience is the tapestry of all that you encountered, conquered, learned, and loved in your life. The lessons you have chosen to take with you. Therefore, perspective is always changing, your understanding of what is “right” is evolving over time. If your ego strength is in tact you can both validate the other person’s perspective while acknowledging your own. For example, “I can see from your experience why you think that is true,” or “I can agree to disagree with you.” The reality is not everyone has to agree with you for you to be okay. In fact, the more okay you can be without other people having to agree with you the easier life will get. So, the next time you feel the need to be “right” ask yourself “Why do I have to be right?” Take 20 minutes to free write about it and see what insights emerge for you. Get in touch and let me know what you found out about yourself!
Copyrighted 2014
This may be stating the obvious, but if you want a great relationship you have to be a great you! Not a good you, but a great you. If your relationships are not what you want them to be then consider the possibility that you are not being the best you, you can be. Not everyone is capable of having great relationships. However, if a great relationship is something you want then you have to be capable of having a great relationships on your side of the table. There is an old saying, 2’s and 10’s do not marry (and if they do they divorce quickly). People with vast differences in awareness, insight, and relationship skills do not have meaningful relationships together ever. They may be acquaintances or even friends, but they do not have deep, meaningful interpersonal relationships.
If your belief in yourself, your personal growth, attitude, and relationship skills are not the best you then don’t expect to have awesome relationships. If you want great relationships read books, watch DVDs, attend seminars, and focus each day on working to be a better you within each relationship. Bring the best you to your relationships, only then do you have a chance at having great relationships.
Copyrighted 2014
Any time we make a change in our lives, others in our human herd will either encourage us, or discourage us in making progress in our personal growth and life goals. If they have a specific limiting belief about us they will continue to try to pull us back into that specific false belief [I am not …(you fill in the blank)] about ourselves. if You Have People in your life like this GET RID of THEM… or at the very least MINIMIZE your TIME with THEM. Instead surround yourself with people that support your growth and change, people that challenge you to move out of your comfort zone and reach your potential. When you enter into any relationship it should be to give AND you will notice that if you are in healthy relationships you will also receive because they are also in it to give not to receive. Wow! What an awesome concept…Both people giving not out of need or necessity but because they desire to serve each other. Now that is where real love and growth begin.
Copyrighted 2014
What does it mean to live in connection? It means I am connected to myself, I have intrapersonal intimacy, I know myself. I am aware of my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I take responsibility for and seek to understand them. I am responsible for myself, and blaming my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors on others is a cop out that dismisses me from personal responsibility. Likewise, I am not responsible for the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of others; they are responsible for their own.
To live in connection means that I am also able to experience interpersonal intimacy, a connection between me and others at a fundamental level of being. I allow myself to be known, they allow themselves to be known and we are both aware that this connection is occurring. This level of connection is exquisitely deep, fleeting, and quite rare. My experience with this type of connection is of being suspended in a time and place where the world around us falls away, and all that is left is the deep, exhilarating, and sometimes terrifying experience of knowing and being known.
To live in connection means that I am willing to develop skills to listen to and understand myself and others deeply, and that I have others in my life that are willing to be known and to know me. Many believe they desire this depth of connection, yet few are willing to do the work it takes to achieve it. It is frightening to look at oneself, unmasked and vulnerable and it is even more terrifying to let others see our essence. It is also amazingly rewarding and awesome to be seen, known, and still loved.
If I am to live in connection with others it means I cannot shrink from the authenticity and vulnerability of them. I must value the courage it takes others to let me know them. In turn, I must not shy away from truly knowing them, honoring their journey, and holding their space with the sacredness it deserves. I cannot flinch if I am repulsed by what they have done or what has been done to them, because in those moments of true connection I must be able to support their truth, not indulge my own weaknesses and be able to love them more by knowing them for who they truly are. By knowing and connecting, we form meaning for our own lives and celebrate the lives of others.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/8627506
Copyrighted 2014
Stonewalling or flooding* is defined by withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. It is a way to self protect and prevents you from being able to take in the information that the speaker is trying to tell you. You may think you are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness. While flooding involves feeling like your drowning in emotions. You may stonewall in order not to feel flooded. Unfortunately, both behaviors result in an emotional withdrawal from interaction and you as the listener are not able to give the speaker the usual nonverbal signals that you are tracking the speaker. Flooding or stonewalling may appear as stony silence, monosyllabic mutterings, changing the subject, removing yourself physically , or becoming emotionally dys-regulated. When you feel you have disconnected from the person speaking it is an important time for you to stop the conversation, check your heart rate, and self-soothe until you can become grounded in the present moment once again.
Copyrighted 2014
*Adapted from the work of John & Julie Gottman, PhDs.