WHO IS MANAGING YOUR EMOTIONS?

WHO IS MANAGING YOUR EMOTIONS?

Taking Back Responsibility for Your Emotional Life

Other people may influence how we feel but they do not ‘make us feel’ 

they are not the managers of our emotional state.

It is easy to experience emotions as something other people do to us.

“She made me angry.”

“He ruined my day.”

“I can’t relax until they stop.”

“I’ll be okay when she is okay.”

Other people’s behavior absolutely affects us.

Cruelty hurts.

Rejection hurts.

Conflict activates us.

Love comforts us.

Human beings are relational creatures, and emotional 

independence does not mean becoming unaffected by others.

But there is an important difference between being influenced by another person and surrendering responsibility for our entire emotional state to them.

Who Is Managing Your Emotions? helps you recognize 

where your emotional well-being may have become too 

dependent upon another person’s moods, choices, 

approval, behavior, or reactions.

Who Is Managing Your Emotions? is about 

reclaiming the part that belongs to you:

How you interpret.

How you regulate.

What boundaries you set.

What you tolerate.

Where you direct your attention.

What actions you choose.

And how you care for yourself when someone 

else behaves in ways you dislike.

The goal is not emotional isolation.

It is emotional responsibility.

What You’ll Practice

You will practice how to:

• Recognize when another person’s mood is determining yours.
• Identify emotional triggers.
• Separate another person’s emotions from your responsibilities.
• Distinguish influence from control.
• Recognize when you are relying excessively on reassurance or approval.
• Notice attempts to control others in order to regulate yourself.
• Identify rescuing and overfunctioning.
• Develop greater tolerance for another person’s disappointment.
• Stop assuming you must fix another person’s feelings.
• Recognize your own interpretation of events.
• Use boundaries to protect emotional well-being.
• Develop strategies for self-soothing and regulation.
• Decide when problems require action and when they require acceptance.
• Reduce emotional dependence without withdrawing from relationships.
• Ask directly for support rather than requiring others to regulate you.
• Allow people you care about to have feelings you cannot fix.
• Take greater ownership of your emotional recovery.

“You Made Me Feel…” Is Only Part of the Story

Something happened.

You interpreted it.

Your history, expectations, needs, body, beliefs, 

and current circumstances interacted with the event.

An emotion arose.

The other person’s behavior matters.

But the emotional process is more complicated than:

They did X → therefore I must feel Y.

Understanding the process creates more options.

Stop Making Your Peace Depend on Everyone Else Behaving Correctly

If serenity requires:

Your partner to agree.

Your child to make good choices.

Your coworker to stop being difficult.

Your parent to approve.

Everyone around you to be in a good mood.

then your emotional well-being has become extraordinarily vulnerable.

You can prefer that people behave differently.

You can ask.

Set boundaries.

Problem solve.

Leave.

Protect yourself.

But you can also develop skills for maintaining 

more of yourself when they do not cooperate.

Other People’s Feelings Belong to Them

Someone can be:

Angry with you.

Disappointed in you.

Sad because of a decision you made.

Frustrated by your boundary.

You should care about your impact.

You should take responsibility when you cause harm.

But caring does not mean you must remove every 

uncomfortable emotion another person experiences.

Sometimes someone else’s discomfort is simply 

part of two adults having different needs.

Emotional Independence Is Not Disconnection

Healthy independence does not say:

“I don’t need anyone.”

It says:

“I can love you deeply without making you entirely 

responsible for my internal stability.”

We can receive comfort and support.

Seek reassurance.

Depend on people appropriately.

And still develop the ability to carry ourselves 

when others cannot provide what we want.

Boundaries Can Regulate Emotion

Sometimes we repeatedly try to calm ourselves while continuing 

to remain in an interaction that keeps escalating distress.

The missing skill may not be better breathing.

It may be a boundary.

“I’m ending this conversation while we are yelling.”

“I won’t continue discussing my personal life with you.”

“If this continues, I’m going home.”

Regulation and boundaries often work together.

Who Is This Training For?

This course may be especially helpful if you:

• Absorb other people’s moods easily.
• Feel responsible for keeping everyone happy.
• Depend heavily on reassurance.
• Become highly distressed when someone is disappointed in you.
• Try to control other people’s behavior so you can feel okay.
• Rescue people from emotions they need to manage themselves.
• Lose emotional balance during relationship conflict.
• Want greater emotional independence without becoming detached.
• Want to feel more capable of managing your own internal world.
•  

Emotional freedom is not becoming untouched by other people. 

It is knowing that even when someone affects you, 

you still have choices about what happens inside you next.